Our school holiday will always look different from yours, but I can’t keep feeling guilty for that

I’m mentally exhausted from all the worrying and comparing we do as mothers.

“Comparison is the thief of joy…”

- Theodore Roosevelt

This quote couldn’t be any truer when you are sitting indoors scrolling through social media on a school holiday.

At the start of the day, I was perfectly happy staying in with Jake and having a “rest day” as he likes to call it. He is happy playing on the Xbox with his mates in his pj’s and I am happy catching up on my jobs then sitting down in peace to watch one of my programmes.

By the end of the day and from looking at my phone I am feeling like a crap mum and guilty for not taking him out/spending time with him/taking him on holiday – and it’s so bloody draining.

I found myself going up to Jake, giving him a big hug and saying how sorry I was for not taking him out somewhere or doing much this week for half term. He looked at me and said ‘Mum I am happy playing with my friends on the Xbox, we don’t need to be anywhere and you are happy sitting in your chair’ – I would like to take this opportunity to say I don’t just sit down in my chair all day and slightly worries me that Jake has this view, considering I am currently training for a marathon.

But he is right.

He is happy. I am happy. We are happy.

What am I saying sorry for? And why does it take a ten-year-old to point that out to me?

Maybe because he isn’t on social media and sees the day for what it is, he isn’t comparing it to anything else – like I am.

Our school holidays will always look different from everyone else’s. This has happened since Jake started school and school holidays entered our small world.  We have adapted our days to suit us, to make it easier for Jake and it normally means it is just me and Jake, together, just the two of us.

But this has become our new normal. All week I have asked Jake if he wants to go to the next town on the bus, go around the shops and then take him to a café he loves going to for something to eat; we still haven’t made it there.

We are meant to be going tomorrow and now we have a plan in place then hopefully it will materialize into something.

I hate this saying, so I am not sure why I am using it but “it is what it is” and that is the case for us. This is our reality; we’ve made it work for us and we are both happy in our bubble.

Don’t get me wrong it can be hard, very hard, because I work better when I am in a routine, and I get more done. When it is just us two at home with nowhere to be, I tend to lose all my energy, like my batteries are dead and I am waiting for him to go back to school so I can recharge again.

When Jake was younger and the six-week holidays would be fast approaching, my mood would completely change, and I would be dreading it. That was when I had to entertain Jake throughout the day, on my own with no help and he wouldn’t go to sleep until late at night, so we never really got an evening to relax.

I would be in tears begging Si to book as many holidays off as he could to break up the days and weeks just to help me.

Jake went through a stage of play fighting with us to get all his sensory needs met each day. Thinking of it now, it makes me feel a bit ill. Because it would hurt, I would have to go through it otherwise things would get much harder if Jake couldn’t let it out in some way and I hated role-playing games – I really hated them.

So, what have I learnt over all these years from all the school holidays that I’ve survived:

1.      Do what makes you and your child happy (but mainly what makes you happy) – if you aren’t happy then your child won’t be either, it works both ways.

2.      Have a clear plan that you both agree on – having an autistic child means they need to know what is coming up, no unexpected people or changes so they feel in control and happy. When Jake was younger this would be me drawing pictures, step by step of what would be happening that day and then going through it with him. Now he’s older we can have a discussion together and agree on a plan.

3.      If you want to do nothing then do nothing – apart from Christmas and the days in-between when no one has a clue what day it is, when do you ever get a chance to do nothing at all? If you have that opportunity, then take it and run with it. Your mind, body and soul will thank you for it and your kid will be over the moon that you are leaving them to be wild and feral for a few days!

4.      Do all of this guilt-free – stop feeling guilty for not having the best itinerary drawn up and day-to-day activities to keep the kids entertained all week. It’s mentally exhausting, it costs a shit ton of money and guess what? Kids don’t always want to do all that; they just want you and your time.

5.      Don’t compare – stop scrolling, stop looking at what others are doing, put your phone and start looking up more. Remember social media is mainly fake and people will only present the best version of themselves online. The truth, the hard days and the reality will remain in the drafts section because it doesn’t quite fit the picture-perfect squares.

There will always be someone wishing they have what you have right now. Sometimes it can be hard to step back and look at what you have when you’re in the thick of it. You’ve come so far, you have amazing kids and all they want is to see you happy and have some quality time, just make sure your cup is full also because you are important too.