My husband said one word and I instantly regretted marrying him.

Surely, these things can be reversed, right?

For this one sentence, I will pretend to be on Love Island and say to you - my husband was playing Fortnite on the Xbox with his friend, and I heard, ‘Shut up mate that was well sweaty’, and it instantly gave me the right ick.

We’ve only been married a couple of weeks and if I had heard that word come out of his mouth two months ago, I may have called the whole thing off.

Like seriously, the man is forty-one in a few weeks, and he is saying the child’s slang word “sweaty”. Our son is ten and comes out with it all the time, which I expect to happen because like I said HE IS 10.

I must admit I didn’t have a clue what it even meant. It was the same when I was a kid, and my Mum didn’t understand what the word “wicked” meant and I felt like I was always going one step forward and two steps back trying to explain the word didn’t mean something was evil, but it was good!

So, when I heard the word sweaty, I just conjured up images of me in the middle of a heatwave trying to complete the school run, without a puddle of sweat under each breast. I didn’t at all think it meant that person was a “try hard”.

Nothing in life will make you feel older than when your child has to explain to you what a word means, and you just don’t get it. It’s even worse when you think it’s stupid or ‘who on earth thinks this up’ comes out your mouth and you’ve just turned into your mother.

The one thing I vowed to do when I became a parent was to be down with the kids, to be two steps ahead and to know the latest words, trends, songs, games...so, I can look cool (is that even a word now? Do people still say cool?)

But it hasn’t happened. I don’t have the time to keep up with stupid words like “sweaty” or “cap” which means “lie” …like seriously fuck off.

It is so ridiculous that I am happy to put my hands in the air and declare that I am officially old and its game over for me. I’d rather be ancient and clueless than sitting there at 40, trying to keep up with the kids but sounding and looking a right tit instead!

So, what steps can we take if our loved one turns out to be an even bigger child than we first anticipated?

1.      Divorce - Yep, it’s been a matter of weeks in my case, but I still think it is worth checking the small print on this marriage certificate to see if there is a get-out clause for discovering your now husband is only 14 years old.

2.      Put them up for adoption – It is only right when you have discovered they are still a minor, and they are in desperate need of a mother and not a wife. Your work here is done.

3.      Run – Again no one would blame you for this one and it is a reasonable thing to do in these circumstances. It would probably be best to leave when they are at work otherwise you will be seen sneaking out the door at night, as there is a high probability that they will still be awake and playing on the Xbox.

4.      Kill them – Murder on this occasion will be swept under the carpet because no doubt you gave them plenty of warning to stop saying that word and if they chose to continue down that path then more fool them. Sometimes these things happen in a split second, don’t feel bad.

5.      Bury them – Obviously, you don’t want to forget this step because it may be terrifying for people to see a dead person in your house. I would suggest the shed because no one dares go in there and they will go unnoticed for months.

6.      Turn the Xbox off – Now out of all the steps I have suggested I do think this one is the most important. If you leave the Xbox on, their Xbox friends might start to get suspicious when he hasn’t pressed READY UP in five days and the alarm bells might start ringing.

If you can talk about it and move on then that is great, you are more of a woman than me but please don’t be sweaty because that’s well cringe and I’d rather be honest than be cap!

Know what I mean?