Endo…endomet…endometriosis. The Word I am Still Struggling to Pronounce and The Word That Has Taken the Marathon Away from Me.

Well as far as the tests can tell so far.

I feel sad, really fucking sad, to be writing this. I know in time I will be fine; I will get my head around it and focus on something new but for now, I am gutted.

I have been training for the London Marathon since Christmas, but I have been working towards it since the first time I ran the marathon back on October 22, because I made a promise to my son.

A promise I am about to break.

And that breaks my heart.

You see I first ran the London marathon for the British Heart Foundation in memory of my Stepdad that passed away from a heart attack and to raise as much money as I could for the charity. That marathon changed my life.

I know people throw around comments like that all the time, but it really did change my whole life. I found me again, I found my confidence, I found my people, I found friends that have now become my family, I found my bridesmaid, I found a running community that quite frankly is the bollocks, I found out how much I loved being part of something bigger than myself and I found out how much ticking off that training plan every day gave me so much satisfaction, you just wouldn’t believe it.

Saying YES to that email, asking me to accept my place, was the best decision I’ve ever made, and I have never looked back.

So, when my son watched me complete my dream and a huge tick off my bucket list, he asked me the next day, ‘Can you do something for me next time please?’ and how can any Mum say no to that? ‘Yes of course I can!’ I said and I immediately applied to do it all over again but for the National Autistic Society.

I got my place straight away.

I had another email waiting for me to say YES all over again and I did without hesitation.

Originally this was for the marathon in April 23 but as I was so injured from the previous marathon (running a marathon is fucking brutal) that I had to defer to this April, as six months just wasn’t enough time to heal and train.

Now with a few weeks until race day, being this close to the start line and after all my training I am having to say I can’t do it, once again, and what a kick in the gut it really is.

I just can’t think about it.

I can’t think about what I was planning to wear or the sign I was going to hold up, and I really can’t think about Jake not watching me keep my promise because I just cry. I feel really shit and like I am letting everyone down – the charity, the people that have sponsored me and everyone that has given me so much support throughout this whole process.

And I am angry that once again my body is letting me down – why do I have to have something wrong again? Couldn’t it have waited just another six weeks then tore my insides apart?

Endometriosis is so bloody selfish.

If that is what it is, so far, I have had blood, urine and ultrasound scans done and it is looking more than likely to be endometriosis, but I have been referred to a gynaecologist for a laparoscopy and who knows how long that wait will take.

I am not going to break my promise and I will find a way to get over the finish line for the National Autistic Society, I will continue to raise vital funds because I know how important that money is; I’ve been there, and they need it more than ever before.

I will be back.

Again.